


The Gift of the Gunmen

by yuletide_archivist



Category: The Lone Gunmen (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-17
Updated: 2006-12-17
Packaged: 2018-01-25 03:22:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1628891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Do the guys believe in Santa Claus after all?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Gift of the Gunmen

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Niroby

 

 

The Gift of the Gunmen

Once upon a time, there were three bears -- I mean, Gunmen. The Papa Bear was short and gruff. The Mama Bear was not especially motherly, as he was a gun*man* after all, but he did look after the other bears as best he could. And while Baby Bear wasn't quite so young anymore, he still had an aura of youth about him.

Into their lives, as must come into the lives of any creatures organized into a set of three in a story like this one, came an outsider. We may as well stick to tradition and call him Goldilocks, both for his bright yellow hair and his sunny disposition. Goldilocks was a constant trial to all three of the bears, yet they didn't have the heart to be rid of him. He had something they needed.

...

On a bleak and cold December day, Jimmy Bond arrived at Gunmen HQ bearing a load of packages in his arms. Frohike grumbled as he got the door, and stood there waiting to close it while Jimmy looked around the room, struck dumb with disbelief.

"You guys don't have a tree," Jimmy said.

"That's right, genius, move along." Frohike did his best to shove Jimmy out of the way so he could maneuver the door closed, shutting out the wind. It took him a moment to do up the locks.

Meanwhile, Jimmy just stood there. "I know we've been busy, guys," he said, a statement that was met with some irony by all three of the gunmen, who were engaged in solitaire, knitting a scarf, and playing World of Warcraft (respectively). "But it's Christmas Eve! Without a tree, how will Santa find us?"

"NORAD," Langly stated, without looking up from his computer game. "Same as he does every year."

Jimmy just looked more confused, putting his head down, then shaking it as he brought it back up. Byers lay down his knitting and approached him with his characteristic gentleness. He didn't notice the cut-throat gestures Frohike was making in his general direction. "We don't have a tree, Jimmy, because we don't want to feed into the religious-consumerist movement."

"You guys don't celebrate Christmas?" Jimmy sounded so disappointed. "Who wouldn't celebrate Christmas?" It took him only a moment to come up with an answer for himself. This done, the beaming smile was back on his face. "It's okay, guys. I just didn't know. We can call these Hanukah presents, if you want."

"We're not Jewish," Frohike snapped. "We don't --" When Jimmy looked at him, though, he just couldn't do it. "We're busy."

"I can get you guys a tree," Jimmy offered.

Byers shook his head, looking at the gifts Jimmy was still holding, more forlorn now than proud. "You've done too much already."

"I thought Santa brought the tree," Langly spoke up out of nowhere. Suddenly all eyes were on him. He shrugged his thin shoulders. "That's how it worked in the Grinch, right?"

Byers blinked rapidly, the way he tended to when he was surprised. "That's right," he said, with a falseness of tone. Jimmy picked up on neither. "I'd forgotten. Santa brings the tree."

Jimmy was frowning now. "Guys, you know -- " He stopped himself, and looked at them, as though caught in a terrible dilemma. "I'll just leave these here," he said, setting the stack of wrapped boxes on a precarious surface. "I forgot I, uh, left some cookies baking. Cookies for, uh, Santa, you know. And I need to get some milk, too. I'll see you guys tomorrow." He practically dashed for the door.

Langly burst out into laughter. "Did you see his face?" Byers and Frohike looked at him. "What?"

"We have to get a tree now, doofus," Frohike said.

"You guys go," Langly said. "I --"

But even as he began to make the excuse, Frohike shut off the power to the computer where he was playing his game. "All for one and one for all, kemosabe. Get in the van."

They drove around for what seemed like hours, trying to find a tree lot that was still open at this late date and hour. "You don't think he really believes in Santa, do you?" Langly asked from the backseat.

"This is Jimmy we're talking about," Frohike reminded him.

"But he's a grown man," Langly protested.

Byers turned in his seat. "A grown man who brought us quite a pile of presents," he pointed out, and Langly looked ashamed. "Not to mention bankrolling our entire operation. I think a tree is the least we can do."

"Why did we stop?" Langly asked. "I can't remember." Neither of the other two had an answer, really. Just that it was against everything they believed in. It was a mainstream celebration rendered meaningless, and it hadn't even needed a conspiracy to do it.

"This is stupid," Frohike said, pulling into another dark, deserted tree lot. He parked the van and got out.

"They're closed," Byers said, following.

"Right on, man, steal a tree!" Langly cheered.

Frohike produced a twenty dollar bill from his pocket and put it into a prominent spot where the owner of the tree lot would find it in the morning. He grabbed the first tree he saw, a scrawny little thing, and tossed it into the back of the van. "Now let's go home," he said.

"Not so fast," Byers said reluctantly.

"We need ornaments," Langly said.

"And stockings," Byers added.

"And presents," Langly concluded.

Finding a place that was open to acquire those items was just as difficult as finding a tree lot. Street after street was dark and deserted, lending the city an air that was both magical and eerie. Finally Frohike pulled into a 24-hour gas station with a mini mart. "Looks like this is the best we'll do."

Inside, they split up as though working a covert operation, raiding the aisles for anything they could possibly use. They converged on the cashier with an odd assortment of items. "Shopping at the last minute is so lame, dudes," the cashier said, winning him no love from the boys.

Byers, Frohike and Langly went back to their lair. They did the best they could with what they had, stringing popcorn around the rapidly shedding tree and sticking bows onto sticks of beef jerky to pass as gifts. The more they did, the more hopeless it looked.

"Maybe we can tell him he was a bad boy this year," Langly suggested.

"Tell him we were bad this year," Frohike concurred. Byers shot them a dark look. But they'd done all they could, so the exhausted trio finally went to their beds (which were all just right).

What they awoke to in the morning was a total transformation. "What?" they muttered, exchanging glances with each other. From whence had come this full, green tree, strung with tinsel and decorated with small glass balls? What about the stockings that had been hung by the Cray 3000 with care? Had good St. Nicholas truly been there?

Frohike ran to the door. "Somebody breached our security!" he cried, because the locks were all still locked. He looked around for a chimney, but the closest thing they had was the cooktop vent, and there's no way the tree would have fit.

"Maybe it was him," Langly said reverently, absently picking up a chocolate chip cookie from the plate near the tree.

"Langly, there isn't...there's not..." Byers said, trying to find the words.

"Then how do you explain it?" Langly demanded. But none of them had an explanation.

Jimmy rang the bell sometime after they'd eaten their porridge and cleared away the dishes. His eyes lit up when he saw the tree. "Wow, you guys. You got a tree after all. Nice job."

"We didn't -- " Byers began, before being silenced by pointed looks from both Frohike and Langly. But it was too late.

"You mean it was the big guy?" Jimmy asked, circling to admire the tree from all angles. "I guess he really does bring the tree after all. How bout that." He grinned for a moment before reaching for the pile of presents he'd dropped off the day before. "Merry Christmas, guys."

"Merry Christmas, Jimmy."

"And thank you."

It hadn't seemed possible that Jimmy's smile could get any bigger, but it grew three sizes that day. "God bless us, every one!" he cried. Not realizing that was the wrong story entirely.

The End.

 

 

 


End file.
